Erotic Compassion #1 : Making Friends With Sexual Inhibition
Hello You,
I hope wherever you are, that you can take a slow breath in, allowing the air to deepen longer on the exhale.
May is Masturbation Month (what is the entity who comes up with themed months? does anyone know?), a fact that surely feels weird in the middle of a pandemic.
Reaching for our pleasure may feel frivolous or be downright impossible right now, so whatever gesture you can make, please be easy on yourself. And if pleasure comes easy (pun so intended) please enjoy it!
Still — in a world teeming with uncertainty and sickness, our sexual inhibitionist may be showing up really hard right now.
And that is perfectly fine and okay.
I hope this article extends healing wherever and when you need it.
It will always be here for you.
Inhibition:
- a voluntary or involuntary restraint on the direct expression of an instinct.
- the action of inhibiting, restricting, or hindering a process.
Sexual and sensual energy is one of the most potent forces on this planet. This merging of expansive and constricting energies is so great that new life is sometimes birthed, and yet we are taught to disparage, ignore, and punish this energy, especially outside of hetero formations.
Many of us are on journeys to reclaim and redirect this energy for the highest good of ourselves and those we choose to share it with.
We want to be sexually liberated and alive, magnetic and free. We yearn to live out our fantasies and reach our sensual potential.
But stuff gets in the way.
Our daily lives. Our individual and collective trauma. Oppression. The stubborness of our bodies and our shame. A society afraid of sex.
Instead of the pleasure mavens we desire to be, we feel stuck, awkward, immature, and tired. In this bind, the tendency is to become angry or disappointed with ourselves, bitter at the world, and despairing of our sexual/sensual journey.
Maybe we give up or go the other way and read every book on the planet on sexual expression. Maybe we blame our partners, hoping for the perfect time or perfect person to unleash us into a sex positive paradigmn.
Yikers.
There is another way.
What about our inhibition was more friend than foe?
What about accepting our limitations and vulnerable parts was more than half of the journey towards a healthy, fully expressed sexual and sensual energy?
I was the kind of nerd who constantly searched out books for answer, often stopping short of actually practicing the exercises. I yearned to feel at home in my body and confident in expressing my desires, and yet when the time came I was often overwhelmed and settled into repetitive routines and thoughts that brought safety but sorely lacked gratification. I felt constricted by the stereotypes and one-note expectations for a sexual black woman body.
What follows here is an invitation, one that I extend towards myself moment to moment.
It is an invitation steeped in pleasure, compassion, and simplicity.
I hope that something within these words helps you.
Here are three ways I make friends with sexual inhibition.
Soften Comparison:
One of the most beautiful things about sexuality and sex is that despite all the bells and whistles physical signals of what sexy is, we can never know exactly how a person fucks or makes love until the business happens.
Oftentimes, our sexual/sensual desire to reclaim and rejuvenate is sparked by another person. We admire their freedom, their verve, their liquid movement or the way they dress or flirt.
But of course, we might not actually know what they’re like.
Performance anxiety is one of the surest ways to increase inhibition. Instead of being in the moment, our mind skips to the ways we don’t match up. We berate our bodies, voices, movement, our distinct sensual language.
You know how they say comparison is the thief of joy?
It is also the thief of connection to our bodies and our desires.
You are one of a kind.
So is your sexuality.
And despite the conformist streak running through public discourse around sex, there is no one-way to be a sexual and sensual being. Your desires and expressions are allowed to shift and you are allowed to bring all of you into the bedroom as you.
Which reminds me of the next invitation:
Have Fun With Your Sexual Inhibitionist
Some of us are loud with our sexual and sensual energy. We may be quiet or introverted outside the bedroom, but once we are in the mood, are rarely shy with our want.
Some of us may run the opposite. Our partners and our own souls may wonder what happened to the confident, supple human who existed only moments before.
Our sexual inhibition serves to protect us for a litany of reasons.
We may have had strict upbringings which shamed the natural desires of our bodies. We may feel guilty due to church doctrine or the cultural mores of our family. We may have a legacy of trauma and sexual shame from hurtful or violent past experiences. We may feel lonely or confused because we so rarely see representations of our desire as healthy, beautiful, or worthy of exploration. We may be burnout and tired as hell.
Next time the tight muscles, mental preoccupation, inner judgement revs up, instead of constricting further and arguing against the reality of your experience, I invite you to accept your lovely sexual inhibitionist.
Give the energy a name if you feel so called, breathe into this energy, and give yourself permission to slow down or stop whatever (or whoever) you are doing.
This energy is only trying to protect you from shame, harm, humiliation, and feeling out of control. Admire what a splendid job this energy is doing!
(It helps to have a sense of humor about your sexual inhibitionist…)
Ask this energy what it needs.
Maybe it is just not ready for what you desire at that particular moment. Maybe this energy needs space, introspection, slowness.
Invite pleasure in.
What would this energy like in this moment? Lights off? An eye mask? Non-genital touching? To wrap up in a blanket and watch a movie instead?
Reading about the Shy Reluctant Enigma archetype invited so much release, pleasure, and compassion into my life. I realized that the sexual inhibitionist could be played with, instead of against.
What does this energy teach you?
Embrace Simple Pleasures
Sometimes we just want the energy to go away, disappear.
We are zealous in our endeavors to unleash the happy stripper living in our hearts.
What we resist, persists.
Like a beach ball under water, the more we press our sexual inhibitionist down, the more chances that this energy will come right up and smack us in the jaw.
K.I.S.S.
Keep It Simple Sexy.
You are already enough.
Turn towards simplicity, lessen any pressure you’ve been holding against your sexual and sensual journey.
Read books leisurely and please do not overwhelm yourself with information.
(I love Exhibitionism For The Shy by Carole Queen and the work of Ev’yan Whitney.)
Build small moments of self-care into your day and celebrate the hell out of them when you remember. Forgive yourself when you don’t.
Notice the energies and expressions you are attracted to, the smells, tastes, fabrics, sights, and sounds which turn you on.
Honor every facet of your journey and know that sexual liberation is more than massive orgasms, lengthy suitor lists, copious likes, or the right latex outfit.
Wherever you are, breathe into the realness of your journey.
The bumps and the successes.
The fuck-yeses and what-the-fuck-was-thats.
I’ll be right there with you, engaging in pleasure, treating supposed failures as opportunities for learning, and doing what I can with what I got.
(I’ll also be on Instagram every Wednesday at 5 PM (PST) exploring Pleasure as Praxis if you desire weekly pleasure encouragement and exercises…)
Your pleasure and your freedom matter.
They go hand in hand.
I wish you reclamation of your whole self and that you make good friends with your sexual inhibitionist each time this energy shows up.
In pleasure,
Hannah
